While fetish fashions like leather corsets and collars are fairly common in mainstream culture, BDSM, the subculture that created these fashions, remains a mystery or taboo to most people. I’ve had questions from friends and family on a complete range of subjects, though the questions normally range from “Doesn’t that hurt?” to “Am you normal for wanting to do this?”So, I thought I’d actually get together a full list of the questions I’ve been asked and other common questions about BDSM in this beginner’s guide, and hopefully put away some of people’s concerns and thoughts about this ‘taboo’ subject and hope it helps people to understand it more.
What’s BDSM Stand for, Anyway?
First, let’s define BDSM. It’s a fairly recent term that encompasses consensual explorations of sensation and/or power dynamics. Categories like Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism are part of BDSM and can include acts like biting, spanking, tying up your partner, wearing nipple clamps, playing with sensations like ice cubes and hot wax, making use of blindfolds and gags, and role-playing, such as partners taking on dominant and submissive roles.
BDSM is a mix of 3 abbreviations, being BD, DS and SM. Meaning: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. These are the 3 separate parts of BDSM, but because there’s such a big overlay, we generally speak of BDSM. This means that you will find all kinds of people who all in their own way share and express their BDSM feelings.
The most common question I hear is “But why would anyone like pain?” Remember that BDSM is an exploration of erotic sensation. Being blindfolded and tied up while your partner massages your shoulders and then drips hot wax on your back is a very different experience than visiting the dentist for that long overdue cleaning. When aroused, our bodies process sensations differently, and sometimes a bite or a spank can suddenly feel exquisite.
People love BDSM because it gets their motors revving. It’s fun, exciting, and it feels good. It can be an emotional thrill, a great way to reinvigorate a relationship, or to connect with a partner and create intimacy. BDSM isn’t just a different kind of sex. Elements of BDSM that make you hot can be incorporated into your current sexual repertoire.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual
That’s the motto of the BDSM community. While a BDSM exchange can look intimidating, it’s important to know that the people involved have talked beforehand and decided what they would like to experience together It’s this process that clearly separates BDSM from abuse.
Communication and consent are the tools that people who enjoy BDSM use to keep themselves and their partners safe. Some people are afraid that if they consent to some aspect of BDSM play, they’ll never be able to say “no” if they decide they don’t like spanking or bondage after all. Remember that you are in complete control of how you act on your desires. And you have a right to use your safeword (see safety tip later on), change your mind, or re-negotiate at any time.
Other people are afraid that once they experience stronger sensations, they will want more and more. That might happen, but it’s unlikely that trying out a set of nipple clamps will be a one-way ticket to the dungeon and a full-time master/slave relationship.
Let’s Get Going!
So how do you get started exploring BDSM? For many people, the biggest obstacle to introducing BDSM into a sexual relationship is bringing up the subject with a partner. It’s scary to express your desires about something that some folks consider “sick” or “perverted.” First, congratulate yourself for being in touch with your fantasies. It’s hard to even know what we like in this sex-phobic culture. Then, take a deep breath and consider actually talking about it with your partner or with someone else you feel you can trust about this level of private talk.
Talk about it.
If you and your partner don’t routinely talk about sex, get into the habit. You don’t have to blurt out “We need to talk about our sex life!” to get the ball rolling. Using sentences like “I love it when you ________” and “You’re so sexy when you ________” is a great way to start conversations about sex.
Find vocabulary that seems right to you. It’s guaranteed that the first few sentences of your first conversation will be the hardest, but rest assured, it will get easier.
Make a list. One of my favourite tips for kick-starting conversations about sex is the Yes/No/Maybe list. Together you and your partner write down every dirty, naughty, far-fetched sexual act you’ve ever heard of, and then each person categorizes these acts under the headings “Yes! I’d love to!”, “No! I’d never ever do that!” and”Maybe, if the conditions were right.” You may have sexual interests in common that you’ve never explored!
My best advice is to be completely honest about everything… If your partner wants to try something but it’s something that you feel uncomfortable with, talk to them about it. Practising BDSM means that both partners, both dominant and submissive, need to have complete trust in each other. This trust can only be achieved through complete honesty, if you lie about being comfortable with something, then your partner will pick up on it during the play. Just be open and honest about everything and you will find that BDSM can be an extremely rewarding activity.
What turns you on?
Explore what turns you on by reading erotica or watching porn. If you find a BDSM moment that gets you going, share it with a partner. Marking a story in a book or magazine and saying, “I thought this was hot!” can be easier than bringing up the subject independently.
Educate yourself. No, seriously. Look into the BDSM subculture, there are hundreds of books available on the market, there are munches held around the country for people to get together and talk about this sort of thing without having to worry about the other persons reaction to it. There are also thousands, if not more, of websites dedicated to BDSM and to actually educating people on the different types of play and ‘scenes’ that are out there.
Safety first.
When partners negotiate, they usually designate a safeword. A safeword allows you to withdraw consent at any time if the action gets too intense. Some common safewords include “red” to mean “stop now” and “yellow”to mean “slow down” or “let’s check in with each other.” Other people use a safe word that would be a complete non-sequitur in most conversation or scenes. Such as “Sausages” to mean “Enough.” Discuss can/cant’s Do’s and don’ts BEFORE you start. Either by a conversation with the partner of by filling in a D/s checklist.
- Report any medical condition or physical limitation someone might need to take in consideration.
This is not about the obvious things anyone could see (like glasses etc.) but about the invisible disabilities. Things like: asthma, Heart problems, hearing problems, contact lenses, phobic fears (claustrophobia) etc. Not only for the submissive one, but also the Dominant partner needs to share disabilities that might cause a hazard. A Dominant with one bad ear should tell this, so the submissive knows a whispered stop word will not be overheard, so the Dominant continues to play after the submissive begged for mercy which will end up in the submissive ending the play entirely.
- Prepare an emergency scenario including the tools you might need.
For example have a knife or scissors ready when you tie somebody up with rope or leather straps. Be prepared to cut the rope or the expensive leather cuffs in an emergency. It might sound overreacted but imagine there’s a fire and you can’t untie the submissive because you are panicking.
- Learn
Not just the right BDSM words, but study anything that can be a risk while playing. Anyone can place a hook or bracket to a ceiling, but don’t just hang up your submissive without making sure it’s possible. Someone hanging upside down who weighs 50 kilos can triple it’s weight when swinging in a panic. So make sure it’s capable to hold 4 people before you try hanging 1 person.
- Use the right tools for everything.
This might be a logical thing, but you will not be the first Dominant that will try to hang a submissive by it’s anklecuffs. There are special cuffs for this action and that’s not just for show.
Do not doubt.
Golden rule is: If you have doubts about something, don’t do it. That gut-feeling is nature’s way to warn you. Step back and reconsider, or just forget it and move on to something else and go back to learning about the thing you were not sure of.
Are there different forms of BDSM?
Yes there are many different forms of BDSM. The two main forms are these:
Lifestyle BDSM
This is the form where partners embed BDSM elements in their relationship in some way.
Kink or fetish BDSM
This is the form where people, occasionally, seek to use power elements, predominantly for their sexual pleasure, without turning it into a lifestyle.
One is not more important, or more real, than the other. The two forms are just different. Quite often people grow from “kink” to “lifestyle”
Is BDSM abnormal?
There are power elements in all forms of human behaviour: at work, at home, in politics, in sports and in (sexual) relationships. Magnifying the power element in your relationship is not abnormal. The current opinion among professionals is that consensual power exchange between informed and well-adjusted adults is normal and harmless (sexual) behavior.
What “causes” BDSM feelings?
It is not entirely clear to science, why some people are attracted to BDSM and others are not. It appears that genetic encoding may have something to do with this and it may also be that upbringing, social environment and education may have an influence. Fact of the matter is that the jury is still out on this one and that we simply do not know the answer. Based on research by for example the Kinsey Institute, Cosmopolitan, Time Magazine and several European universities and other sources it is estimated that between 15 and 30 percent of the adult Western population nurtures some form of BDSM emotions.
Why is there such a social stigma on BDSM?
A significant part of the general public opinion on BDSM is based on very outdated information, such the over 100 years old “Psychopatia Sexualis” (written by R. von Kraft-Ebing at the end of the 19th century) and research by S. Freud in the early 20th century. Also, xenophobia (fear of the unknown) plays an important role when it comes to the general opinion about BDSM and so does ill-informed coverage of the subject by excess-oriented media.
Lack of reliable, diligent scientific research on the subject also plays a part in this. Most research was done by therapists, seeking to promote themselves or their “therapy” rather than thoroughly researching the phenomena as such.
I hear people who are very dominant in real life are actually submissive in bed. Is this true?
The fairy tale about high profile politicians or managers seeking to be submissive in bed originates from prostitutes trying to promote their services. Fact of the matter is that there is no proven connection between general social behaviour and sexual behaviour. Sexual behaviour is a very individual thing, hence very different for individual people.
Are people with a BDSM-inclination not actually all victims of childhood trauma or abuse?
Scientific research has taught us that the number of people with a (juvenile or other) traumatic background is not greater nor smaller than it is in any other social group. One will find trauma victims in every social group. Having said that, the general level of tolerance within the “BDSM group” allows for more discussion about such subjects and the “BDSM community” is one of the very few social groups that actually and actively sets up help and support facilities for such cases. There is no reason why people with a trauma history should not enter into BDSM-activity, provided they seek professional help and – on a personal level – deal with the trauma FIRST and OUTSIDE a BDSM-situation.
At what age do BDSM-emotions emerge?
About 25 percent of the “BDSM population” (according to research by the POWERotics Foundation) has nurtured BDSM-like emotions from a very young age. Often, this group can remember being fascinated by power situations before the age of 12. Many others however “discover” their BDSM-preference at a much later stage, most often after dramatic events in their personal life, such as a divorce. The reason for this probably is in the fact that such events causes people to think about themselves, their personalities, preferences and needs.
Why are many people so secretive about their BDSM emotions?
Regardless the subject: it is not easy to have to tell the world you are “different”. This is true for everyone, who nurtures emotions, feelings or ideals that do not coinside with their social environment.
People, brought up in a business-environment, will often have a hard time telling their parents and friends they would rather be a painter or an actress, for example. Gay people face a similar problem and so do democrats who came from a traditional republican nest. The phenomena is known as “coming out (of the closet)” (telling your environment you are different) and that is a difficult process that requires a lot of juggling between defending and explaining yourself to a probably unwilling audience. People with a BDSM-inclination face the same problem. Quite often this even leads to a situation where people, regretfully, are too scared to even tell their partner about their emotions.
If so many people nurture these feelings at young age, why is there so little information available for them?
Much depends on the country you were born in. Fact is that in most countries sexual education in general leaves much to be desired. World wide research has shown that as much as 70 percent of the population picks up their sexual information “from the street” (i.e. friends, pornography, excess-oriented media, etcetera) and are not or very poorly educated by their parents or school.
The current political climate, with very superficial and ill-informed opinions about sexuality, makes it hard for organisations to set up proper information programs in many countries. The other problem is that not everyone, who may nurture BDSM-like emotions during puberty and adolescence, eventually develops a persistent interest in BDSM, since much of this has to do with the more general sexual experimental phase, everyone goes through at young age. It is very important youngsters follow their own path, without too many outside influences. This forms a dilemma for organisations, seeking to provide information.
Start small
If you want to re-create the ideal BDSM fantasy you’ve been having for years, what do you do if the fantasy involves elaborate costumes, exotic scenery, and multiple actors? Keep it simple. Isolate one part of the fantasy that makes you hot, like a particular power dynamic or a specific action like spanking, and try out that part.
Get all tied up
If you want to restrain your sweetie in a snap, it’s worth a small investment in a pair of nice leather cuffs. While silk scarves or metal handcuffs are tempting, both can tighten unexpectedly and restrict circulation. If you like the look and feel of rope, search for something soft and sensual at the hardware store. Don’t let your lack of a knot-tying merit badge keep you from tying each other up!
Make sure that knots aren’t too tight by using the two finger rule. You should be able to slip two fingers comfortably between the rope and your partner’s wrist or ankle.
Brand spankin’ new
Spanking is a great BDSM tool to incorporate into a current sexual relationship. The best way to start is with your hands, so you know exactly how hard you are hitting. Aim your strokes for the fleshy areas of the body that have large muscles to absorb the impact. The butt and thighs are popular choices. Avoid the kidneys, joints, feet and hands. If your hands get tired easily or your sweetie yearns for different sensations, there are various other impact toys out there specifically desighned for beginners.
Clippity clamp
Nipple clamps (also known as nipple clips) are a great way to add stimulation while keeping your hands free for more fun. And they’re not just for nipples! You can use clamps anywhere you can pinch an inch of skin. Look for adjustable clamps like Clover Clamps and Tweezer Clamps which allow you to control the amount of pressure exerted. If you’re using clamps on someone else, it’s good to remember that the most intense moment is when you remove the clamps and blood comes rushing back to the area.
Practice Makes Perfect!
Remember to give yourselves permission to laugh or quit if the perfect dream scene is silly in reality. Check in with your partner the day after you play together to see how things went. Talk about your experiences and incorporate what you learn into your future dates.
Ask Questions
If you go to a munch, or just join an online BDSM / Fetish community, never be afraid of asking questions. Lifestylers, as a general rule, love to share their knowledge. We have had some amazing, and NOT so amazing, experiences along our journey and really enjoy helping people along their path. As long as your questions and interactions prove that your interests aren’t simply surrounding your genitalia, you’ll find that the BDSM lifestyle community can be very welcoming, and will always certainly be a wealth of knowledge.
If you don’t know, ask!
If you aren’t sure, ask!
If you THINK you know, but don’t want to sound arrogant, ask!
Let me clarify here, just a bit. There are right questions and there are wrong questions.
RIGHT QUESTIONS:
WRONG QUESTIONS:
A Munch? Your first steps
A munch is a casual lunch or dinner with other local people who have an interest or experience in BDSM and/or Fetish. Munch groups have many different characters depending on locations of where they meet. Some are held in locations where a demonstration can be given on different techniques, but most are held in family restaurants or bars where ‘play’ or fetishwear is not permitted.
A munch is a great atmosphere to meet like minded locals, discuss a variety of topics, and make friends and get validation without people behaving ‘in role’. Following are some frequently asked questions regarding munches.
I don’t have a partner… Can I come alone? Will I be safe?
There are usually both submissives and dominants (and Tops and Bottoms and Switches and Fetishists) who come to munches without a partner. If you’re not entirely comfortable doing this, contact the munch organizer and let them know your situation. Most will be very happy to save you a seat near them, make sure you’re introduced to everyone and help make you feel comfortable and welcome. A munch is not a place to ‘pick up’ partners, and in almost all groups dominants and submissives treat each other with respect. While flirtatious comments may be made, “No” means no, and should you feel that someone is not respecting that, the munch organizer would appreciate knowing.
I/We are not into all that heavy play… Will I/we be uncomfortable?
Munches include people of the entire range of BDSM interests from light Dominance and submission to those involved in heavy physical aspects of S/M and everything in between. While you may not be interested in everything discussed, you will most likely meet others there with interests close to your own. Diversity is celebrated in the BDSM community and any consensual and safe practices or ideas are usually readily accepted. There’s no pressure to have interests you don’t have in most groups. We get many people who are nervous before attending that they may not be ‘BDSM enough’ and find complete validation of their interests and ‘level’ by others who feel the same.
I/We are not very experienced (or have no real life experience). Will I/we feel out of place?
Not at all! Almost every munch has at least one other person there with little or no real life experience and it’s not necessary to be experienced to attend munches. Munches are a great place to see that BDSMers are not perpetually dressed in leather and carrying whips and chains. They are a great place to get information and insights from those with experience, learn about the different aspects of BDSM, ask questions, and just feel comfortable around others who feel the same. For those of you who have to ‘hide’ that part of yourselves around friends, family and co-workers, it’s very liberating.
How many people usually attend?
This depends entirely on the individual group. Attendance can range from 3-4 people to a few dozen. It’s a good question to ask the munch organizer in advance if you are concerned. One thing to keep in mind… a high percentage of people attending are somewhat shy in groups. It’s completely acceptable to be quiet until you feel more comfortable. Don’t assume that everyone knows everyone else, because in most cases, there will be others there who are new.
Am I in the right age group? Will I be uncomfortable?
Ages of those in attendance of course vary from group to group, but usually there will be those from age 19-20 to in their 60′s or 70′s. Within your first 2 or 3 munches you will probably meet others your age. Even if most others seem older than you, or younger than you, you already have common interests so should feel comfortable.
What should I wear?
Most people wear whatever they normally would for lunch/dinner with non-BDSM people. Feel free to contact the munch organizer to ask if there are any special dress requirements or rules (some specify no collars, etc)
Do people use their real names… or…??
This is entirely up to each individual. You can use either your real name or a nickname that you’re known by. Many of the munch groups provide name tags so that you can write both your first name and nickname (or either one you want).
How should I address others?
Dominants and submissives are on equal footing. A submissive is not required to call anyone Sir or Ma’am or to do any sort of serving. Just address people by the name or nickname they give the group. Another thing to keep in mind is that in most cases you won’t know whether someone is dominant, submissive or switch. Please don’t make any assumptions. Many times the shy ones are dominant and the more assertive ones are submissive.
Are there questions I should NOT ask people? What CAN I ask them?
It’s acceptable to ask people any non-intrusive question. Start out getting to know them slowly. It’s usually OK to ask where others live or what kind of work they do. Their answers will be as vague or precise as they are comfortable with sharing. Some people are very comfortable sharing intimate sexual information, but the majority are not… at least not at first. Common sense will let you know how much you can ask, and if you’re in doubt, ask their feelings regarding certain activities rather than if they engage in them, or share your feelings on topics and invite their responses.
Conversations will also generally cover the internet and computers, local clubs, stores and toys.
I’m really nervous.. should I just forget this entire idea?
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who wasn’t nervous before their first munch.. but here are a few comments I’ve heard:
I remember before my first munch I was terrified.. dont know what I expected.. lots of leather and stern faces I guess ..lol.. nothing could be further from the truth.
Your first impression will likely be “Gosh! they’re so-so-so ..normal!!! ” *G*
I was really REALLY nervous… for about the first 2 minutes.. then I felt completely welcome and part of the group and had a GREAT time!
Some of the people I’ve met at the Munches are well on their way to becoming very, very close friends of mine… they understand things that my vanilla friends just “don’t get”.
It was incredible to us that what we’d been talking about, and guessing at, had already been identified and discussed by others before us. Talk about serious validation! It was so great to see that ‘our’ ideas about a structured relationship and interaction between two distinct personality types was not only upheld, but celebrated by others!
Whoa! Your boy is hot, do you loan him out?
I’ve never used a cane before, can I test it out on your submissive?
Can I have that?
I’m really horny, do you know any (insert role here) who would be interested in hooking up?
Wanna have sex?
Is it difficult to learn to do caning (or spanking, paddling, flogging, nipple torture, ……….)
Who would you recommend as a good resource to learn to do (Insert whatever you’re interested in learning here) from?
Would you mind demonstrating that thing you suggested?
Are there munches in my area?
What groups should I look into to learn more about that thing we were talking about?
Does that hurt as much as it appears to?
What are some of the more common protocols in this group of people that I should be aware of?
Tags: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, leather corsets, partner massages, sadism and masochism